Japanese Orgy

Today I needed to work at the office in Roppongi which is further away from my apartment. Unfortunately I also left my apartment late which means I was going to get to experience what I call the “Japanese Orgy” also known as the 8:00 am trains from Meguro station to my destination of Roppongi-itchōme. To complicate the commute, it was also raining in the morning which meant more people would probably be riding the trains versus biking or walking to work. Ugghhh. My first train from Shinagawa to Meguro was crowded but not inconvenient. It almost never is. I knew the next connection was the troublespot.
When I first started taking the trains, there were many times I would wait for a second or third train just because they were so crowded. Or at least I thought they were crowded. I now realize there’s always room as long as you have a productive posterior. What does that mean? It’s a Japanese technique that I call “Back that Booty Up”. They use this technique to cram every last human being in Tokyo on your train.

Here’s how it works. You stand in line with what appears to be 10,000 other people. When the train arrives maybe one or two people will get off the train. That means that another 100 can get on. If you’re in the front of the line, you’ve got it made, walk forward onto the train and try to find a handhold. The tops of little old ladies’ heads don’t count. Their ankles are too weak and they’re sure to go flying when the train takes a corner at Mach 5. If you’re in the back of the line wait until the train looks like it’s about to explode due to the volume of people and that means there’s also room for you since it didn’t explode. Think positively! Turn around so that your butt is facing the people on the train and start to “Back that Booty Up”. You may need to shimmy it side to side a little bit to create a wedge into the masses. No bending at the waist. That’s bad form. It’s more of a backwards shuffle step and wiggle your butt side-to-side. Once you master this technique, there’s no train in Tokyo you can’t get on.

So as I made my way down the stairs to the platform, I could see that there was already a train in the process of boarding and it was mine. I was at the end of line but I am now a booty shuffle sensei. I wedged on and another 10 people followed me. Let the Japanese Orgy begin. The Japanese are masters of living inside their minds and not letting the close intimate contact of a train ride bother them. Each train car becomes one big mass of arms, legs and miscellaneous body parts all rubbing up against each other. On very rare occasions, I might have a lovely twenty-something woman wedged up against me but more often it’s a little old lady. I know I’m in trouble when they see me and a little smirk comes across their face and they start trying to wedge up against me getting their freak on. I’m usually yelling “zutsū ga shite imasu” (I have a headache!) but it never works. I always feel so cheap and used by the time I get off the train.

If you think I’m exaggerating about the trains, I’m really not for once.
If you don’t believe me, go to YouTube and enter “tokyo subway rush hour” into the search field and enjoy.
I’ve also found one that is more extreme but not uncommon:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQdS5HY_O6k